I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
