The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
