I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
