I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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