So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
