dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
