I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
