that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
