I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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