my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
