I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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