dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My vagina is officially offended.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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