According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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