It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
