I haven't been this sober since birth.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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