I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
