Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
