yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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