if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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