It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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