so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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