I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The ass gains better be worth it
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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