There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
