I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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