just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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