Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
