And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
