K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
