i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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