As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
