Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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