When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I need to align my fucking chakras
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