The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The power of my boobs compel you
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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