we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
