The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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