For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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