I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is my gift to your gina
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
