Girls should come with a carfax report
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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