my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
