drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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