Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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