just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
