and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
