You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
