Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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