operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
