I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
