he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
