Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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