made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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