I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
