i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
